The perfect market timing tool

Some of you already noticed it. Whenever I invest, the market drops immediately. I invested my bonus at the ATH in February (3386) , my pension fund at the new high since the crash (3232) and yesterday I bought again some VTI shares at the opening for 1.2k. Since then markets dropped by -2% and futures are already at -1%. So already looking at -3% within 24 hours. I’m probably the best market timer of 2020 in terms of losing money short-term.

I’ll use this thread to announce my monthly purchases. That way you’ll know when to sell everything. If you want to make some gains, buy 3x leveraged inverse ETFs like SPXU.

I’ll get my next bonus in February 2021, so be prepared for a -20/30% drop within a couple of weeks then. I just hope that I won’t have any bigger windfalls in the near future. Investing a larger sum might lead to a new great depression like we had in 1929.

Eventhough I believe that I live in a simulation and all of you guys are only in my head, I still hope that you are real and you can use me to boost your returns. I’ll sacrifice myself for the greater good of this community.

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I need to update my Investment Policy Statement: before investing, check the forum to make sure I take full advantage of the “Cortana dip”. :+1: :smile:

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Thanks for your free service :wink:

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Quality shitpost
Sadly I invested quite some money yesterday aswell, who cares. Keep up investing regularly :slight_smile:

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You’ve made my day with those two :).

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Admit it. You invested in Wirecard!

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Investing in single stocks with my bad luck? It would probably break the system and lead to negative prices similiar to oil a couple of weeks ago. I don’t want that to happen, so I’m sticking with ETFs. That way my purchases are doing less harm to the world.

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You should try to buy a bit one day and then buy a lot the following day.

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You think that the market won’t know when I would try to do a trick like that?

The market would actually rise a bit the first day to lure you in. And drop like a stone the next day.

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Your self pity is making me cringe. I know it’s an act, but you already made two topics about it. But somehow 20 people are enjoying this, so who am I to judge? :wink:

Don’t try to time the market and don’t evaluate your performance after 4 months. Otherwise you will have a hard time staying invested for 30 years.

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Look who’s here, the 2nd best market timing tool :stuck_out_tongue:

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not evaluating my performance after a couple of months. My goal is to reach my FIRE number before 55, so my 1st investing year won’t really matter at all after 20-25 years. What will matter is me sticking to the plan and just keep investing every month everything what I’m able to save. Ignoring the news, keep buying and staying the course.

This thread is just a joke and like you said, it seems that at least 20 people in this small forum enjoyed it.

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That’s good to hear, I got the wrong impression :wink:

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I like the joke, count me in. But don’t you dare make false predictions :joy:

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I enjoy your humor @Cortana

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I just noticed that I got some dividends yesterday! So I’m buying 1 share of VTI now.

I’m not sure if it’s enough to cause a slight correction, but you should expect more volatility in the coming days.

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You just want to see the world burn, don’t you?

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@Cortana can you buy a bit today or tomorrow? I’d like to buy very soon.

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@Cortana can you buy a bit today or tomorrow? I’d like to buy very soon.

Same here.

Maybe we can set up a scheme where you continue to fool Mr. Market via decoy trades and we all profit from it (and we’ll share profits with you as necessary both to cover your costs but also to feed the further continued fooling of Mr. Market)? This sounds like a possibly elaborate dead sure scheme to make money without much risk!

Pretty sure Mr. Market won’t see through this as we discuss this on a a site that is TLS protected with a 256 bit Elliptic Curve key – not even Chuck Norris* would be able to crack this, let alone Mr. Market!

* Not sure what the nowadays Chuck Norris version is for people here with longer life expectancies who will have to look up Chuck Norris memes.

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@Cortana when is your payday coming up?
Just to know not to buy beforehand.

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