You forgot to add to your wishlist that once you stop contributing and start withdrawing, you’re fine with the prolongued bear market being over and for it to turn into a multiple decade bull market … 
By the way, if you think of investment opportunities as “it’s a market of stocks” instead of “it’s a stock market” you will almost always find companies that seem in a prolonged bear market and DCA those instead of “the market”.
If that sounds like stockpicking, it probably indeed is. 
I’ll see myself out again.